Pain and Persistance

I have had some degree of fibromyalgia and a severe case of both depression and social anxiety for 16 years brought on after a brain condition triggered by my acne medication. Up till recently I thought the pain and aches were just my weakness, just me being wussy. It was an odd thing to go from a healthy mildly overweight but active teenager to a suicidal obese space cadet overnight. I managed to survive for the most part and went to college, had to take of a semester to attend counseling to help get over sexual abuse as a child, but then I went back to a university rather than a college and was accepted into their illustration program. It was so hard and I missed a lot but managed to nearly make it through before I crashed and had to drop out because I had developed sleep apnea and could not drive to school anymore.

I spent several years taking care of people and ignoring myself, it was an old habit. I took care of my friends 2 kids for a year, took care of my beloved grandparents until my grandmother died and my grandfather was put in a home, spent a year searching for a job I could do and beating myself up for my weaknesses. Ended up working for a year at a motel in the graveyard position and that was just bad. It was easy enough work but the hours and the exposure to deadbeats cooking meth in their motel rooms took it's toll. In Sept of 2006 I crashed hard. I spent over a month in bed. By this time I was out of my families house (though I love them dearly they are high stress and my sisters tend to devalue everyone Else's pain and tell you that you there is no help and you will just have to deal with it and work harder.) So I was living with a friend who was incapable of helping anyone else. No boyfriend, poor family who had no time for me, broken friend to live with, no job, no hopes.

I started my business in desperation. I needed something I could do from home and something that would help restore my spirit. It worked, sort of. My dear Aunt has been supporting me financially since then and I have had some very limited successes. June 2007 I went with my youngest sister and best friend to a festival thing in Ohio (I live in Utah) It was a risk, especially since it was just me and a 15yr old crossing the country in a rented car. It was a fun drive and a miserable event and when I got home I crashed hard again. and 5 months later my roommate abandoned me to full rent, but I turned her room into my sewing room.

I have just, early this year, gotten back to some kind of normal level but it has become painfully obvious to me and others that even with work I will never get back to the energy level I was at before the motel job fiasco. Worse I have developed conditions over the years that aggravate the fibromyalgia. I have to watch everyday what I do, how I sit and stand, what I eat, when and how I sleep... that alone is exhausting. To top it off, my father and brother both of whom are Nurses do not believe it is a real condition.

Dark as it all seems, my mother is a wonderful person who never fails to renew some of my spirit. My boyfriend (dating 1 1/2 years) treats me with respect and love and encourages me. And even though it often seems very much like my art and crafts are entirely shunned and unwanted, I get to do what I like, at least for now. So what if I have to spend a week here fighting depression and a week there fighting debilitating pain, it reminds me I am alive and gives me fuel for my art. And I am not the only artist with such trials. If others can do it so can I.

I thank you so much for the courage to tell your tale. I apologize for the absurd length of it. Thank you.
-Bobbie